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I have a thing with psychosomatic illness. Whenever I have strong feelings, my chest/stomach hurt.

Apr. 16th, 2012

In a whole month, I've only gotten out of the house for a little less of two hours. Its nothing new to me. I've been...alone ever since I knew what that meant. 

Sometimes, I just feel so starved for attention. This scares me. 

Alone but not lonely, I remind myself. And the silence answers. 

wtf. seriously.

Okay, I'm seriously no great artist and am not about to delude myself into thinking about being one anytime soon but seriously what the effing eff????

If you ask people to critique your work and to be honest about it, DON'T TELL ME THAT ITS LIKE THIS OR LIKE THAT BECAUSE THAT'S YOUR STYLE. And I don't care if that's anime/manga style because I definitely don't agree with that reason or whatever.

Just because drawing the cartoony style or anime/manga style doesn't excuse you for making your OCs' faces look like they have lethal mumps. Or that they are stick-thin and really, really looks ready to be blown away by the tiniest breeze this side of the east. Don't act all too bristly when I say that and be defensive. How about you accept what I said as it is because you did ask for it.

And, your anatomy is all wrong, I mean, you say you are trying to imitate the style of CLAMP with their long bodies and such well, guess what. You're not even close. Even if that's the way CLAMP draws their characters, it's still right proportionally and they certainly look like they are healthy and didn't miss any meal to look so slender. Their arms don't actually look like a chimpanzee's because they're way longer than they should be. Damn it.

I'm not saying I'm a know it all but if you want to improve, listen to what others actually say and don't dismiss them as mere opinions that you don't give a sh*t. There might be a grain of truth to what they said.

Drawing might be stuff that we have to practice over and over again to improve but there's a system to it. There's no denying that. Creativity is all well and good but don't make yourself seem like an overbearing idiot.

Seriously, don't get all butthurt. Be thankful I don't say the whole of it.

*a stupid rant that the person this is addressed to will never read at all*


aaaaa~ Ichigooooo~

Okay. I need to let this out.

I am so worried for Ichigo. I understand why he's acting this way. Really, there have been precursors to this side of him, it was just never emphasized this much before.

I wonder how much of his emotions Ichigo have been bottling up inside him. Again, he has let his emotions (...instincts...?) get the better of him. Sure, it took him further in the past, but right now, his power is totally unstable, incomplete and just not enough yet to take him to the next level. Not to mention everyone keeps going on and on ominously about Tsukishima's fullbring. He knows this, and yet he keeps on pushing himself. This has me concerned. It reminds me of that time when Urahara made that speech to him about going to SS right after Rukia was taken away. :(

At times like this, the protagonist just has to crash before everything starts becoming alright.

No Rukia just yet! I miss her but I seriously don't want her to see Ichigo like this. It would hurt her, no doubt. Ichigo should learn how to handle this side of himself on his own. And when Rukia comes back, he'll realize he could stand on his own two feet without her, but...he will never be whole and cannot be! I'm being cheesy

I have doubts everyone who knows Ichigo intimately didn't know what he had gone through in the past year and a half. His nakama had alluded to it one way or another, his sisters were even worried for him (...when their faces lit up after Ichigo knew that he could get his shinigami powers back warmed my heart). They probably found it hard to reach him. Really, Ichigo reminded me of someone moping around, and if he was any less him, he'd be whining and be all emo in a minute.

Sometimes, I wish Kubo will let us into the workings of Ichigo's mind. It's fun thinking stuff up from what I see but it would be really nice if he gives an insight once in a while, and not only in fights! I want to see a bit of Ichigo's heart of hearts! Dammit! DXXX

Of course, I've been wondering ever since Chapter 444, "The Rising", If Ichigo's  current emotional state was heightened by his fullbring. It was obviously not pride that triggered its activation, right? I keep thinkng that it was despair, or loneliness, or some other emotion that really isn't positive at all. And what he heard from the badge isn't really helping at all, or that Tsuki went and hurt his nakama. 

Ah. Ichigo, you really have me worried about you. 

Hmmm what LOL would it be if I see Ichigo being chased around by PACMAN xD Hey, I know that's too old-fashioned now but, I can just see the lulz. XD 
Who is Tsukishima exactly? Has he fought Ichigo before? He gave me the vibes that he does...
And the chairs in Tsuki's and Sushigawara's apartment reminds me of the chairs Aizen used in HM. They patronize the same furniture store. LOL. And Sushi went out to buy honey! Could it be...could it be...could it be that...that honey was for TEA?! 
xDDD *flailflailflailflailflail*



 I just had to say this before I go to sleep.

I bet a strand of my hair that the King of Soul Society is Urahara's Hat!

On another note, I was so sure I had this profound idea about Bleach and its plot but it seemed to escape me before I could fully grasp a hand around it. Sucks.

I still believe the reason that Ichigo's inner world can get so full of water is because it rained and so the floodwaters rose. Get it? Hmm. The idea just seemed plausible and honestly, I must be stupid for only thinking about it today, of all the days I've been loving Bleach. I mean, really, both times that there was water in Ichigo's inner world, Ichigo didn't know where Rukia was or how fine she was. Too lazy to put them in words, but nah, someone should catch my drift.

Also, I've been having this weird belief about Aizen's background. :/ Which utterly sounds too implausible to even contemplate but the idealist that I could be sometimes... *shrugs* Aizen might have been lonely all his life and just gave up on finding friends (that sounds too...shallow). 



The Sun and the Moon

The Legend of the Sun and the Moon aka How the stars came to be aka Why the Moon is Always Chasing the Sun

Back when I was a lot younger, there was a myth about the Sun and the Moon. It's not really a nice story or something but I remember because it seemed so tragic back then. There is supposed to be a moral in the story, though. I dn't know if there are some other versions in other countries but well, this is the Philippine one.

Don't ask me why or how, but the sun and the moon were married (how were they supposed to have babies and it had to resented this way because the textbooks were for young children/ premarital sex even between tow nonliving objects is a no-no! lol ).

The moon and the sun loved their children but Moon aways guarded the children against the mighty Sun because something bad will happen. Now, Sun didn't like that he was not allowed to go near their children. One day, Moon had to go somewhere so before going, she warned Sun to never, ever get near their children. After Moon got away, Sun tried to keep himself from going near their children but his desire over came him and he just had to get near his beloved children.

Lo and behold! As soon as he approached them, their children began to melt form his intense heat. When he saw this, he was beset with grief and tried to hide himself for the Moon. Not long after, Moon arrived and mourned for their children. She gathered the bits and pieces left of her children and scattered them unto the sky; and to protect them from Sun, only had them appear with her at night.

So, there it is.

It's rather interesting and creative. I never did get how they had children, or how their children were supposed to look before Sun melted them. (haha)

I have never encountered another version of this though from another place. Maybe I will, someday.


on being a future preschool teacher

 Right. So, this semester we are to be like a teacher's assistant for like, two hours. I have to wake up so early (7 am) and it sucks cause I'm so used to sleeping in but its okay because that's good for me too. 

Anyway, I'm just here cause of a couple of incidents that made me LOL.

There's a kid, 6 years old. He's male and really, really cute. Just naughtier and more mischievous than some of his classmates. He rather latched on to me from the first day. hehe

Well, just yesterday, his classmate told me that he told her we were....(dramatic pause)...married.

Yup, you heard me right. hahaha I didn't mind it and sort of thought of it as one of his pranks.

Just this morning, during storytime, he chose to sit beside me. He insisted to sit on my lap (a usual request form some of the kids hehe maybe my lap is soft and squishy cause I am chubby! xD) but the teacher told him to simply sit on a chair beside me.

Well, he was not really listening to the story cause he claims it bores him :( well, he kept on grabbing on my hands and then at one point, he told me that he'd be drawing a picture of [us] holding hands, and I'd be wearing a wedding ring!

Yup. My reaction was like O.O 


What a funny situation. 


I'm sick

 And not in metaphorical sense. 

I drank around 7 or 9 of 500 mg painkillers in just one day.



I'm sorry...

I feel so despicably racked with guilt I wanna vomit. 

I chatted with this girl (hardly a friend) who once had a fling with this guy. The three of us met during the summer. And the guy liked me (never told me during this time). So, in that summer, I was never told close to either of them, though I talked more with the guy than I did with the girl. I never thought even in my wildest dreams that he could, would, like me. He was really attractive and I know my flaws that I have doubts someone could ever like me (but they still do). But he did and I NEVER knew, okei? He even once told me he had a crush on the lady who was with us in that summer. I kept teasing him about it because it was fun, so...however, in that summer, he had two weeks to go to Manila and he stayed there.

When he came back, he told me he no longer had a crush on the lady when I teased him again. Since, that was the end of it, I teased him again with this other girl (the one I have only been just chatting with). 

Then summer ended and the school started. 

I saw them around school and was one of the few who knew there was a budding relationship in there. I knew before he told me. And I, in all boastful confidence, told him I was right that he indeed had a crush on that girl. 

He told me I was wrong. 

All of a sudden, we started texting each other and chatting on facebook. And we started talking. In a day, he told me about the girl and him, and about him. Honestly, I really enjoy sharing confidences so I listened and exhausted topics.

It wasn't until he offered sex that I realized the truth.

There were hints before then. I just ignored them and placed them as playful words between friends. I never knew he was serious.

I think he got himself embarassed when I laughed at him (and his offer).

Then all of a sudden, he and the girl weren't an item any longer. I didn't know what happened since the two of us largely ignore each other nowadays. I didn't think of anything then.

Until I saw her tweet and her facebook post.

Now, I feel so guilty. I know she doesn't know anything. I know she doesn't know that I have been a factor but, I still feel wracked with guilt knowing that there was something there I potentially destroyed. 

I seriously felt bile rising up my throat.